We've tried to be very open with Elena about her adoption, her experiences at the Kotlas orphanage, and how she came to live with us. That's not really that difficult to do, because we have lots of pictures (see for example this post, where we've collected some of the pictures into a book), and more importantly shared experiences that we can talk about.
What's a little harder is talking about the first part of Elena's story: her and her birthmother. That's not because it's a taboo subject (because it's not), or because it takes some thought and sensitivity to talk with Elena about such an important person (although it does), but because we don't have lots of pictures, and we don't have shared experiences that we can talk about. In fact, we know almost nothing about Elena's birthmother other than her name, age, and where she was born; Elena, of course, has no memory of her.
What we do have is a photocopy of her passport picture. It looks like it was photocopied on a vintage Xerox: there are no grey tones and the blacks are a little blobby. Moreover, it's a passport photo. No one looks all that good when posing for an ID picture, and passports, where neutral unsmiling expressions are required, are worse than most.
Nonetheless, it's the only photo we have. There's a pretty good chance that this will be the only photo Elena will ever have of her birthmother. No matter the poor quality, it's still precious.
We've showed the photo to her a couple times, and tried to explain what having a birthmother means. I'm not sure Elena understands the explanation, but right now, that's not important. It's enough that we start talking about the subject; full understanding can come later.
I showed Elena her birthmother's photo yesterday morning and launched into a short explanation. "Understand?" I asked when I was done. Elena nodded and pointed to the photo. "Sad Mama," she said.
I know "Sad Mama" was only reflecting the poor photo quality and neutral expression, but...that may actually be a profound and insightful comment. As I said, we know very little about Elena's birthmother, but it's not hard to draw some inferences, inferences where "Sad Mama" may very well apply.
It makes me a little uncomfortable to summarize Elena's birthmother with one emotion, but it wasn't my idea - it was Elena's. And, truthfully, it's not unusual for adopted kids to struggle with their feelings toward their birthparents at some point in their lives. Deciding that the birthparents are in fact "sad" might be the best way to come to an understanding of their choices. I don't know if Elena will keep the idea of a "Sad Mama" as we talk about this more, but...maybe it's not such a bad thing.
What's a little harder is talking about the first part of Elena's story: her and her birthmother. That's not because it's a taboo subject (because it's not), or because it takes some thought and sensitivity to talk with Elena about such an important person (although it does), but because we don't have lots of pictures, and we don't have shared experiences that we can talk about. In fact, we know almost nothing about Elena's birthmother other than her name, age, and where she was born; Elena, of course, has no memory of her.
What we do have is a photocopy of her passport picture. It looks like it was photocopied on a vintage Xerox: there are no grey tones and the blacks are a little blobby. Moreover, it's a passport photo. No one looks all that good when posing for an ID picture, and passports, where neutral unsmiling expressions are required, are worse than most.
Nonetheless, it's the only photo we have. There's a pretty good chance that this will be the only photo Elena will ever have of her birthmother. No matter the poor quality, it's still precious.
We've showed the photo to her a couple times, and tried to explain what having a birthmother means. I'm not sure Elena understands the explanation, but right now, that's not important. It's enough that we start talking about the subject; full understanding can come later.
I showed Elena her birthmother's photo yesterday morning and launched into a short explanation. "Understand?" I asked when I was done. Elena nodded and pointed to the photo. "Sad Mama," she said.
I know "Sad Mama" was only reflecting the poor photo quality and neutral expression, but...that may actually be a profound and insightful comment. As I said, we know very little about Elena's birthmother, but it's not hard to draw some inferences, inferences where "Sad Mama" may very well apply.
It makes me a little uncomfortable to summarize Elena's birthmother with one emotion, but it wasn't my idea - it was Elena's. And, truthfully, it's not unusual for adopted kids to struggle with their feelings toward their birthparents at some point in their lives. Deciding that the birthparents are in fact "sad" might be the best way to come to an understanding of their choices. I don't know if Elena will keep the idea of a "Sad Mama" as we talk about this more, but...maybe it's not such a bad thing.
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