One thing you prepare for, when preparing for adoption, is dealing with comments from other people about adoptive children.
Unlike many adopted kids, Elena actually looks similar to Teresa and me. I think that's not co-incidental; the Russian Ministry of Education intentionally matches children to parents in part by looks. Whether or not that's true, it means we don't have to deal with the same kind of questions or comments from strangers (well-intentioned or otherwise) that, for example, White parents of an African-American child deal with.
However, we were recently chatting with an acquaintance, while watching Elena play, about how similar she looks to us. In the course of the conversation, the other person said, "oh, you can't even tell she's not your daughter."
In the context of the conversation, it was clear what was meant: Elena looks so much like us that we could be mistaken for her birthparents. That's true, and despite the inelegance of the phrasing, we continued the conversation with nary a hiccup.
But still, what was said was "she's not your daughter." That's not what was meant, of course; the words are a result of imprecise conversational English and not an implication that adopted children are somehow not "real" children. I know that, and don't take offense.
But the conversation rang a little cautionary bell and now, in thinking back on it, I wonder: what if Elena had heard it? She didn't, I'm sure, but if she had heard someone say "she's not your daughter" and seen our lack of objection? Should I have responded to what was said, even if it wasn't what was meant?
That's hardly the most difficult problem to deal with as parents, but still: words have meaning, and it might have been best to offer a gentle suggestion that the bald meaning of the words, stripped of context, was not what the speaker meant to say.
Unlike many adopted kids, Elena actually looks similar to Teresa and me. I think that's not co-incidental; the Russian Ministry of Education intentionally matches children to parents in part by looks. Whether or not that's true, it means we don't have to deal with the same kind of questions or comments from strangers (well-intentioned or otherwise) that, for example, White parents of an African-American child deal with.
However, we were recently chatting with an acquaintance, while watching Elena play, about how similar she looks to us. In the course of the conversation, the other person said, "oh, you can't even tell she's not your daughter."
In the context of the conversation, it was clear what was meant: Elena looks so much like us that we could be mistaken for her birthparents. That's true, and despite the inelegance of the phrasing, we continued the conversation with nary a hiccup.
But still, what was said was "she's not your daughter." That's not what was meant, of course; the words are a result of imprecise conversational English and not an implication that adopted children are somehow not "real" children. I know that, and don't take offense.
But the conversation rang a little cautionary bell and now, in thinking back on it, I wonder: what if Elena had heard it? She didn't, I'm sure, but if she had heard someone say "she's not your daughter" and seen our lack of objection? Should I have responded to what was said, even if it wasn't what was meant?
That's hardly the most difficult problem to deal with as parents, but still: words have meaning, and it might have been best to offer a gentle suggestion that the bald meaning of the words, stripped of context, was not what the speaker meant to say.
I know all too well what you mean about comments. Of course, one of the biggest compliments I ever got was from a woman I didn't even know, who asked me if Cava was my son. I told her he was and she said, "He looks just like you." That made my day.
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