We're starting to have "the talk"

One of the things kids from orphanages (and adopted kids in general) can struggle with is the questions of How and Why: Why was I in an orphanage? How did I get there? How did I wind up in this family? Why me?

Those aren't just questions of curiosity; at the root are two important questions: What did I do that made this upheaval in my life happen? and Will it happen again?  Those aren't silly questions at all: if you've gone through a traumatic upheaval in your life, it's natural to suppose something similar might happen again.  Moreover, it's human nature to ascribe responsibility to yourself for events completely out of your control: the concept that you might deserve things that occur from random chance.

Because these questions are important, it's important that kids ask them, rather than chewing on them in private, and so it's important they know that these questions are OK to ask.  We try to signal to Elena thatasking questions about her past is OK - we share stories about us visiting her, and we often page through her picture book containing the pictures we took in Russia.

We let her know that she's staying with us, and not going back to Kotlas - an idea she often repeats back for confirmation.  At first I wasn't sure if she was repeating the idea because she felt it was important, or only because we seemed to be attaching importance to it, and she was picking up on that. But now it's pretty clear that it's important to her. (more after the cut)

I've also tried to explain to Elena, simply, how the adoption process happens.  It is, honestly, not the easiest thing to explain legal intricacies to a three-year-old in a way that's meaningful without being scary.  But this is important: she needs to know that the upheaval in her life was caused by adults making decisions for her, and it's not her fault.  Moreover, she needs to know that these decisions are binding and final.  That addresses the two important questions above.

I've tried to do this through images.  In her picture book is a picture of us in front of the Arkhangelsk Courthouse after successfully petitioning for parental rights:


Us in front of the Arkhangelsk courthouse; August 2011

The courthouse itself is something of a typical Russian office building:

The Arkhangelsk courthouse

I've used the court pictures to show Elena where and when decisions were made about her: Mama and Dada went to court to ask if Elena could come home with them, and the court said yes.  I've also shown Elena the official Russian adoption decree with her name on it, to explain that the adoption decision is real and final, and she won't be going back to the baby house. (Supposedly kids are inordinately impressed with flashy paperwork, despite, or because of, the fact they can't read.)
I know this is important to her because when I woke her up a few days ago, the first thing she asked for was to be told the story about the court.  That's the first time she's asked that unprompted, and I suspect she was mulling this over while half-asleep.

I expect we'll get more questions soon as Elena works through what she understands.  Hopefully we can answer in a way that's both truthful and reassuring, but I think we've made a good start.